Funny thing is, this is the place where people come to work or study, the library is where i come and do most of my thinking. Which really does defeat the purpose altogether for me.
But i can help it, il start to work and then as always i'll drift off thinking about things that have NOTHING to do with the antiquity of art history or sociological theory in practice.
Im such a failure for a second year.
I usually end up thinking about things I want to do or things I havent done,what the people next to me are doing and if the really cute guy with the pierceing blue eyes across from me actually is playing footsie with me or not(im sure its just accidental, guys with devastatingly good looks and eyes that could see into your soul dont play footsie in the UCD library.....) *sigh*
To be honest i think hes a bit slow on the uptake anyway,ive been playing footsie back and hes been mulling over one paragraph for the last hour and a half,no joke.ah wellllllll!
I'll blog about last weekend in the next installment for now im in a pensive mood and feel like having a little bit of a rant, im not in the best of moods today so heres where i take out my frustration!
Everyday while ive been in UCD, I have been constantly second guessing myself in absolutely everything i do. I have never been the type of person who will make a choice and be happy with it,i do that with everything though, clothes, food,magazines,boys and hell even deciding what to download to my laptop! I have this annoying little trigger in my brain that as soon as i have to make a choice about something ......"DING'' over analyse,over think,second guessing! It absolutely drove me INSANE last year and it always made me feel like as if i was never playing the game properly and i was only playing for half the time i normally should be. That sounds weird but whatever! Thankfully this year ive taken a more 'fuck it you only live once' attitude and it has had it pay offs and its downfalls. Im still me though, i think ive found the balence in living my life the way i want to without all the worry but still being aware of the results of my actions.........but i still can never pick put what to wear in the morning :P 3 wardrobe changes later and im eventually satisfied!
With all the choices i made in the last 2years plus, it made me think, where would i be now if i had chosen differently? For certain, i know i definetly would not be in UCD. My life would have been a lot different. I was 'supposed' to not do TY and go straight into 5th year so i could take a year out after the LC to travel for a year. I could have done an art portfolio and possibly be in a an art college somewhere painting whatever i felt like came to me and try to pass it off as 'art'. I could have gone to college in New York to study womens studies at NYU. I could have gone to a performing arts school. I might have decided not to bother furthering my education and just move to america and started to work straight away. I actually could have moved to austrailia or dubai, if it wasnt for the fact that we couldnt just drop everything and leave to go halfway around the world just because the work suited my dad. I could have done a MILLION things differently. I dont regret the fact that im still in ireland and im in UCD,thats what i knew was achieveable for the time being. All good things come to those who wait, but even better things happen to those who choose to make the good things to happen. Im bideing my time at the minute trying and scrapping to get my BA so i can hopefully get a job somewhere out of this messed up country and make something of myself without all the second guessing. Because that the irish way of doing things, always thinking you could have done better and could have worked harder, so i cannot wait to get the hell away from that ethos and actually be satisfied and content with the bigger picture for once in my life.
No wonder we ran ourselves into a financial debt-pit of depression.
Us irish,we're NEVER satisfied.
xoxox
1 comment:
That last bit - so true! Wrote an essay about this before; might actually blog it. Irish people ALWAYS have to have something to complain about! x
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