Alright, for a while Id been thinking about what topic I would cover in my next blog post because I didnt want to write another 'diary' themed post, but recently I came across a post on a blog I follow which covered an issue which I have HUGE problems with. Now before I start let me just say that this is MY own personal experience,thoughts and views and if you have your own body-hang ups and dont like to hear about problems concerning this,then dont read it. I couldnt care less if you dont agree with me or not but im just saving you the hassle right now of reading something that you might not agree with me on :)
The girl who posted the blogpost,Zoe, was talking about her issues with people commenting on her weight and body, shes is quite small and finds it difficult to put on weight yet she is still ridiculed as being 'too skinny' and gets questions like 'how do you stay so skinny?' 'do you/have you ever have an eating disorder?' 'how much exercise do you do?' 'you are sooooo lucky to be so skinny!' Zoe is naturally small,and much like her ive struggled with problems relating to being skinny for years, so heres my take on the issue of being 'skinny',im going to be as brutally honest as possible.
For those of you who dont hang around with me, let me give you a breakdown of my body-type. Im small, I mean REALLY small in both height and weight and all other measurments,which makes me a 'petite'. Im 5ft'1 in height and im a size 8,and as much as people think you should never display your weight I dont believe in that crap, im 7and a half stone and have been the same weight since I can remember. Ive always had a tiny waist,its about 24-25 inches and im about a 32 on my hips so I have a classic hourglass shape for a petite girl.
If I look at pictures of me as a baby I look a lot different, I had very chubby cheecks and 'healthy' looking legs as my granny used to say. I was a normal healthy baby, but as I grew older I started to lose the babyfat, this started in primary school. I was always the smallest in my class, but at some point in primary school I got really skinny, it was at a point when I was having a difficult time fitting in and consequently I was bullied. Certain things like P.E used to terrify me,the prospect of getiing changed in front of the other girls did not sit well with me, especially if we were swimming which we did a LOT of in school. Everything started with a comment while we were in the dressing rooms,it wasnt intentionally nasty but the comment made me suddenly really self conscience 'ewwww you can see your spine,you look all boney' normally I would not have reacted but the fact it happened in front of my class really embaressed me, I LOVED to swim,it was a serious hobby of mine for years, but suddenly I was made aware of how skinny I actually was and this started to effect the way I viewed myself. Towards the time I was hitting puberty I saw a change in my body slightly, my hips got wider and i started to 'bloom' a little,( I thought the boobs would come later but thats not the case) and as I carried on into secondary school, body hang-ups became a bigger deal as is naturally the case in a school full of teenage girls.
As a teenager I was always told by friends and family that I had been lucky to have a slender,small figure. I had my own struggles with accepting my weight but thankfully ive had periods of time where I did not focus so much on 'perfecting' my body as I had seen so many other girls strive for this 'perfection'. But over the course of time not all the comments I would get would be kind, ive had to deal with a lot predjudice and spite-driven remarks from people who obviously had issues about their own body and felt the need to pick on my body. I was intentionally made to feel bad about the fact that I was skinny and people would sometimes comment and hint that maybe I was 'too skinny' and could do with putting on some weight( the fact im not exactly blessed with a clevage does not help my case either) So this made me start to feel extremely self-conscience once again after I thought I was just getting comfortable in my own skin. Comments continued to plague me 'your such a skinny bitch' 'you dont know how easy you have it' 'you dont look healthy' 'you have a childs body', youd be surprised how a so-called innocent remark would have so much meaning behind it.
For a lot of my teen years I really was not comfortable with my body, even past 16 and onto my 18th birthday I still was not comfortable in my own skin, I felt guilty over the fact that I was so skinny,and started to play with the idea that maybe I was a little bit too small for my age. I felt guilty for all the others girls I knew who commented on my figure and were committed to improving their own whereas it was my last priority, I felt guilty everytime I sat down to eat a chocolate bar whilst my girlfriends were snacking on salads and yogurt, and I felt guilty getting dressed up for nights out in case I was 'flaunting' my body too much with my outfit choices. I tried and tried desperetly to put on weight for a short period of time, but no matter what I ate or how many calories I would clock up I never seemed to be able to put on a few pounds. Just before I hit 19 and I was in my first year of college,my perspective changed, I no longer wanted to feel bad about myself for the way I looked, I should have been embracing it for years instead of mentally ridiculing myself for the length of time I spent caught up on being lucky to have a skinny figure. For me it all boiled down to one thing........metabolism, having had the experience of living with other girls and witnessing their eating habits I realised that it was my high metabolism which prevented me from putting on weight quicker than compared to other girls my age.The science of my body seemed to all be small,small,small and when I look at my mother its not hard to believe that genetics has a substantial role to play in my make-up of my body-type.Theres is nothing I can do to possibly reverse a high metabolism, maybe when Im older it might reverse and I could start to put the weight on but until then Ive accepted the fact that Im just a natural 'skinny minny' with a small stature and 'acceptably normal' boobs for a girl my height.
Its sad think after 20 years ive only recently become content with my body and have learned to appreciate it. Im happy with my body the way things are at the moment,but as a woman my body will constantly change and Im now more adapt to accepting that,I know in the society that we live in that most people would consider my body-type to be a blessing in itself as I dont have to work to 'lose' the pounds, but for a period of time I worked to 'gain' the pounds. Many people may not be comfortable in their own body because they feel overweight, but I didnt feel comfortable because I felt like I was a weirdo being 'underweight'.
I now know thats not that case for me, but as much as people focus on weight loss and its struggles we all forget that its not always about loss and sometimes it can be about gaining, it had a huge impact on me just as any other person struggling with 'loss' would experience,so whats really in the difference besides pounds?
At the end of the day we're all trying to change something about our body weather we are skinny,thin,slender,chubby,fat or obese, its all just labels.
xoxoxo
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